December 29 2009

it really seems like evey time I find someone - all of the sudden they get married or are engagded or something - I don't think it's coincedence, none the less popcicles come to mind. I don't remember if it was this year or last year when some things came about, also kind of possibly coinsideial - you know there was this aquaintance of my mother's who mentioned they had a relative. I am really sad at the moment, because i came across something that was amazing and yet it turned out to be not so, but all I can say again is oh well - I guess it puts me back on my mission, I think 100,000 dollars a year sounds good : ) it would only be for two years - but what else do I have to do, I could work on some langauges as well. it just seemed coinsidental to me, I would have to say further that if there were this other person out there setting all this up I would say a phrase that I can't repeat which would mean basically - although I kind of more feel like actually expressing it. I can't imagine it would make them any lower in the categories of life forms, what category of life form is there? lol. Anyway, Christmas hasn't been real great, maybe january will be better? I wonder what I can do for new years? Dissapear maybe? I think I would like to dissapear, for a lifetime even, leave the cares of earthlings up to themselves. Or, maybe I could just get a new cat. People are really crappy. I guess some of them aren't but I think the ones that I run into are. You know, I think I'll go back to my original plan, it's a good one! : ) You know, I think my brother would have the same opinion, about people. People are not very intelligent. They are like lower life forms, and I am expected to run with wolves. They hang out in mishchievious hollows and chase innocent animals. Maybe I could meet someone in banking. My father was a banker. He majored in business, worked at a bank in highschool and bought land for the airforce. I think that would make more sense, I think we all marry or look for who our fathers and mothers are/were don't we? That is what they say. I think I find that is generally true. Maybe I am just closer, maybe that is how it works for me, this time it was so close the similarities, but maybe next time it will be even more on the right dime, I do know that it will not be anyone that I know or anyone that anyone else that I know knows. That's a definate. I have grown tired of shadows. I'm looking for new things : ) In my dreams i run in a jet fighter, except I am not fighting , I am only racing. I race to run from things and people, things and places that people want me to be, places where I don't belong. In my dreams I race to be free, I race to be home. My home is a place that is open and vast in space, there's usually no one else there, and it's a bit like standing at the top of a mountain cliff, though you're not scared, all there is - is a feeling of clarity and tremendous hope.